Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
