You can't special order awesome
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
