i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
