Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
