chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Don't EVER smell your tampon
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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