I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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