My balls are so social today.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
