the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
