I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
