if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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