I seem to have left my pride at pride
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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