dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
