every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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