he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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