i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
