Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
