I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
