quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
