We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
