I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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