Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
