Well douche your snatch and let's go!
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
50% drunk capacity currently
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize