remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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