NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
