I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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