mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
