he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
