how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
