I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
3 2 1 whiskey
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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