Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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