Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
