you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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