She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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