he puts the penis in happiness.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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