ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
