how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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