god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize