ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
