So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
