if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
