A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
