Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
