Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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