I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
