It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
