I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
