i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
