3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
