i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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