I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize