I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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