i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
