I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
