Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
