He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
