fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
