Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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