A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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