homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
