Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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