Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
