Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
