apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
