so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
