come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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