i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
