You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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